Take A Walk In My Postpartum Shoes (Part 2)

Dani_2See the first part of Danni’s Story posted September 1

by, Danni Star

After overcoming my PPD, I gave birth to another daughter and thought I knew what to look out for and was thankful not to experience the same intensity of symptoms again. What I didn’t realize is that PPD comes in so many different forms.

I went to lunch with a good friend after my second child was born. I don’t know why but I unloaded how I had been seeing my anxiety rise again, how bad it had gotten, my intrusive thoughts and how I literally kept thinking of worst case scenarios.

She urged me to go see a maternal mental health doctor. I took my time but the following week my anxiety was at an all-time high and I could feel myself falling apart so I called the doctor and she said she would squeeze me in that week.

A few days later I was in her office sweating profusely, heart racing so bad I felt like it was going to explode out of my chest and I couldn’t sit still. She asked a million questions and I answered them extremely honest. I told her that I felt anxious all the time, like a walking ball of nervous energy. That even at work when I am in my zone I still feel so out of place.

I told her that my biggest fears are losing my children, Slim, my husband, and Claire, my best friend.  I have literally dreamed all of their funerals repetitively- I don’t know maybe as a coping mechanism.

As I am saying these things, I still think she is going to tell me I just have anxiety and that we will get through it. I keep referring to “when I had Postpartum Depression.” I keep referencing how it felt then.

And then the bomb drops. She tells me that I am suffering from PPD. I instantly start bawling. No I am NOT, I had that before and this is different, I don’t want that. I can’t have that; it almost killed me and ruined my life and my marriage. I go to work, I laugh, I function…how is that possible?

She explains to me that all I know of PPD is the most severe, that I am experiencing moderate PPD. I feel hurt, angry, and mad at myself for not realizing, after all I have been here before. I think back to all of the things that I just described to her and I realize she’s right, if any of my friends would have told me what I told her I would have known instantly, so why didn’t I realize it about myself?

Instead, just like before, I will beat this. I will attend support groups, I will try my hardest not to only function normally at work. I will follow the doctor’s treatment plans and I will talk it out. I am scared, this is my biggest fear realized but I am going to be ok.
I WILL TO BE OK! My nemesis has returned but my fighting spirit will be its kryptonite.

Postpartum depression is my truth. An ugly truth that I just so happened to conquer and you can too. You are worthy so be open, learn what is going on and don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Danni Starr HeadshotDanni Starr
Danni Starr works daily as co-host of the nationally syndicated “The Kane Show.” Danni fell in love with radio at 19 and 11 years later, she still considers it her first true love. As a Mother and wife Danni is the “Den Mom” to the show & offers open, honest, opinions and advice.

 


GET SUPPORT

Postpartum Support International: 1-800-994-4773 or postpartum.net
National Postpartum Depression Hotline: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

REFERENCES AND LEARN MORE AT

AWHONN’s Mood and Anxiety Disorders in Pregnant and Postpartum Women Position Statement

http://www.health4mom.org/postpartum-depression/

Take A Walk In My Postpartum Shoes (Part 1)

DaniFamily_1by, Danni Starr

An open letter to all the moms, soon to be moms or family supporting moms!

On December 31st, 2011 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! It was something I had dreamed about for so long. I remember the day after she was born crying on the phone with my midwife because I was so overwhelmed. She was so little and I didn’t really know what to do.

Being a little overwhelmed is common, medical specialists call it the baby blues. Post-birth, most moms (as many as 85%!) experience some form of the baby blues. This could be feeling irritable, exhausted, needing to cry for no reason or worrying that you won’t be a good mom.

I did not have that. I had something that damn near sucked the life out of me.

Once we returned home from the hospital, I rarely got off of the couch for 30 days. I got up to feed the baby and change her…I didn’t even eat. I remember just feeling so weird. Everything was robotic. Must feed baby, must change baby…I don’t even remember enjoying any of it.

I remember my husband picking me off of the couch giving me a hug and saying babe, you do not smell good…I am going to take you to the shower. He literally stripped me down and put me in the shower and helped wash me. Many times with post-partum depression (PPD) the mom is too tired to notice the symptoms, and it is a husband, partner, a family member or friend that shares that something just isn’t quite right.  I am thankful for my supportive system every day.

One night I was so tired that I actually Googled how many sleeping pills I could take without dying. I didn’t want to die, but I did want to be pretty close so that at least I would sleep for a few days. I literally had a bunch of pills laid out on the ottoman. I started to down them and then I thought. What if I am unconscious and she starts crying?! Nobody will hear her. I didn’t want her to cry and not have help. So I begged God to let me fall asleep and I threw the pills away. She saved my life.

Then the paranoia set in. I started to think that something very terrible was going to happen. So I started to place emergency items around the house. Things I would need to run away with. I made sure not to be too obvious because I didn’t want my husband to be on to me. One day he left to go to the store. I remember it so clearly, “babe I’m running to the store be back in a few.”

He stepped out of the house and I threw all of my emergency items in a bag, grabbed the baby and ran.

My grandpa was staying in a nursing home at the time and I knew nobody would look for me there so I went to his house and I hid out. I had NO contact with the outside world for days. Yes, I kidnapped my own child because at this point I was pretty unstable.

My husband and best friend were texting like crazy. Finally about ten days in I received a message from best friend which said, “I love you, but right now I have to love your baby more and I will call the police because I know you need help.” I finally told her where I was but begged her not to come. She sent a family friend who is a nurse to see me.

The nurse showed up and told me I had postpartum depression. I had no idea that 15% of new moms experience PPD which is way more intense than the blues, and encompassed so many of the things I was feeling and thinking. But at the time I didn’t know any of that, all I knew is that I just wanted to disappear. I hated everything, I couldn’t function and I was mad that I wasn’t connecting with such a precious little baby.

I never wanted to hurt my baby but I know many women who suffer from PPD do, and I would be lying if I said that I never wanted to hurt myself.

I don’t even remember when I started feeling better. There is so much about that time that scares me, so much more that I could share, but even writing about it makes me feel horrible. It’s a place I NEVER want to return to, and I would NEVER wish it upon anyone.

There were periods of time where I felt that I was bordering on insanity.

Follow the rest of my story in my Part 2 post publishing October 9th – National Depression Screening Day. Take care of yourself!
Danni Starr HeadshotDanni Starr
Danni Starr works daily as co-host of the nationally syndicated “The Kane Show.” Danni fell in love with radio at 19 and 11 years later, she still considers it her first true love. As a Mother and wife Danni is the “Den Mom” to the show & offers open, honest, opinions and advice.

 


The above story is adapted from Danni’s original post: https://www.facebook.com/notes/danni-starr/take-a-walk-in-my-postpartum-shoes/572481839449596


Get Support

Postpartum Support International: 1-800-994-4773 or postpartum.net
National Postpartum Depression Hotline: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

References and Learn More at

AWHONN’s Mood and Anxiety Disorders in Pregnant and Postpartum Women Position Statement

Postpartum Depression